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"You actually want to stay married to this guy?"
She didn't hesitate a moment. Yes, she wanted to save her marriage. She and her husband were 40ish, married about twenty years, with a couple of children. One evening he told her he was in love with his assistant, that he already had a lawyer, and suggested she procure one for herself.
At least that last part was different. Often the abandoning spouse tries to convince the other that he will be nicer in the divorce - and they each could save a lot of money - if she would agree to let his lawyer handle everything. It's a way to manipulate the outcome and many spouses fall for it, thinking that keeping him (or her) calm provides better opportunities to potentially salvage the marriage.
Not so.
Making the path to divorce easier may keep the abandoning spouse calmer, but keeping him or her calm shouldn't be the goal. In my work with marriages over nearly twenty years, I've learned that rather than making divorce easier, anyone who wishes to salvage a marriage should make it harder. Much harder.
That's what I told Sally.
"If you really want this marriage to work, I'll guide you through a step-by-step process to save it. If anything works, this will. Understand me clearly, IF anything works, this will. I can't guarantee success but it works more than 75% of the time."
Before sharing with you the steps I guided Sally through, I'll give you the good news; it worked. It wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight, but by doing the right things she created a climate that ultimately led to the saving of her marriage. Her husband abandoned his lover, returned home, and worked on falling in love with his wife again. That was nearly twenty years ago. They're still together and still in love.
For the last dozen years I've been teaching the same principles to couples who come to my intensive workshop for marriages in crisis. I've seen it work with just about any situation you can imagine, not just adultery but also marriages plagued with anger problems, a controlling spouse, disrespect, disinterest, and more.
So what advice did I give? What works if anything will? Here is the short and simplified version. We provide a much more detailed and customized version in our workshop.
ACCEPT THE PERSON BUT NOT THE ACTIONS
Never accept the sinful actions of another, but try to understand and accept what is behind the sin. What led the person to those actions? Was it pain? Feelings of neglect or disrespect? Even if you consider it imaginary, accept what your spouse sees has his/her reality and be very open to the possibility that you played a part in causing your spouse to feel the way he/she feels. That doesn't make you the "bad guy" or the other person the "good guy." It simply makes each of you human beings.
BE READY TO FORGIVE
I regularly see people who work hard to save their marriage and as soon as the spouse turns, the anger overwhelms the spouse trying to save the marriage. At that point he or she doesn't want to forgive. I'm warning you, don't try to save your marriage unless you intend to follow through by learning to forgive. That doesn't make the hurt instantly go away; it makes it possible for it to go away. That also doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to know who, what, when and where but that is a delicate matter for each of you that we've found often needs a third party or at least a constructive plan.
Such a plan is outlined in my article, "How to Confess An Affair without Losing Your Spouse." It's written more for the straying spouse, but it will likely help you understand that this type of conversation needs the right mindset, environment and forethought (maybe even professional help).
There are steps that the other person will need to take in order for you to be able to do this to the level necessary to save your marriage long term. But in the short term, while your spouse still wants to leave, you need to find a way to forgive them using a broad stroke. If your spouse feels he/she is just going to be punished by coming back, it's very unlikely to happen.
STRATEGIES
The next steps are about strategy. In some ways, they'll act as your secret weapon in winning back your spouse. But you must be confident that they'll work so that you'll stick with them even if you feel the urge to do the things you shouldn't. Like I said at the start of this article, if anything will work, this will.
DON'T PURSUE
If you beg, whine, cling, or try to manipulate your mate into staying, you push them away faster.
Give the other person space to breathe. If you don't leave them alone, you aren't allowing him/her the opportunity to miss you. You probably need to take a step back in order to create a vacuum that the other person will see and feel. Don't be rude or mean but don't make them feel that they are all you've got. Make yourself scarce. That's one of the keys to attraction and that leads us to the next step.
DO THE PIES
Make yourself attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Do it for you but it also will affect the other person.
I'm not telling you that you have to compete with your spouse's lover. Simply attempt to be as attractive as you can at your stage in life. Get involved with a local gym, go for walks or bike rides, join a book club, and/or sign up for classes at church. Not only will those things help make you more attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, but they'll give you things to do and new friends to enjoy to help you resist the urge to pursue or be clingy toward the straying spouse.
HAVE FUN
No seriously. If you mope around and sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, your spouse is not going to want to come back to you. Do you want to be around people who are constantly complaining, whining and negative? Do you feel attracted to those types of people? No you don't.
Let your spouse see you having fun. By that I don't mean that you go over the top or fake it. Go out with your friends (preferably of the same gender) and have a good time. Go see a comedy at the movie theater, go to the mall, go to concerts-just have fun. Even if your spouse is not there to see, it's possible that he/she will hear about it. Or maybe they'll call about something and you're too busy having fun to talk (that's a good thing because it shows them that you have a life and a world that doesn't revolve around them). At the very least you'll be making yourself a more fun and attractive person.
One final thing to keep in mind on this strategy step is that if you're having fun, you're probably doing the other things right too.
DO THE WORK
It isn't easy to put a marriage back together, but the LovePath works. If you do the things mentioned above to stay on the path, you'll likely pull your spouse back to walking the path with you.
It's important to limit your panic. Do your best to stay cool, calm and collected so that you can focus on what you need to do to apply the strategies mentioned in this article. There are other strategies that I might be able to provide in future articles but because of their complexity, I don't have the space or time at the moment. Many couples find a faster route to healing comes from attending one of our three-day workshops for marriages in crisis to obtain specific instructions and strategies.
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Decide on a look at some of the greatest recognized Indian cricketers with their ladylove:
Cricket heartthrob Mahendra Singh Dhoni linked the rug with his early life friend Sakshi Rawat in Dehradun ending go out with. The two look made for each last in this complete quintessence. (BCCL/B A Raju)
The unmatchable Sachin Tendulkar, regarded as one of the greatest batsmen in the history of cricket, got married to Anjali, who's a paediatrician, on May 24, 1995. The two look greatly in love gang overdue distinctive living of their marriage. (BCCL/)
Piece has been doing rounds that cricket hunk Yuvraj Singh is dating model Aanchal Kumar these existence. Neverthless, the two mainly look stunning together!
Indian batsman Virender Sehwag with group Aarti. (AFP/)
Indian cricketer Sourav Ganguly and his group Dona Ganguly look indissoluble.
The much-sought overdue Rahul Dravid apparently deprived a million hearts to the same extent he entered matrimony with Dr Vijeeta Pendharkar in 2003. (BCCL/)
The rumours about cricketer Zaheer Khan, who apparently has a outsized female fan backing, dating artist Isha Sharvani has been doing rounds for somewhat in the future now. All the same, nonexistence has been officially stated about the their relationship status.
Viewpoint perfect: Cricketer Vinod Kambli with his super-hot group Andrea.
Love-smitten Irfan Pathan with his longtime girlfriend Shivangi!
Mohammad Azharuddin with his luxuriant group Sangeeta Bijlani. A few existence back, it was reported that that the two were right for splitsville, nevertheless, objects sturdy to carry been sorted out amongst this couple now.
At the same time as happened administer week? Well, I used an matching where UConn won the Magnificence Rank, and later it came true. Meanwhile Louis had a hub smash into and abandoned his girlfriend even if Harvey cold flooded by civil disobedience to the top of the rankings. The hottest relationship on the show could be on the rocks. No, not Scotty and Harvey and definitely not Mike and Rachel, but Mike and Harvey as the protege may be combination the dirtbag world of funds banking. It's time to look at this further than interval.
1. JONATHAN SIDWELL - He doesn't want a celebrity who is in it for the dough, he wants a certified ass kicker. Mike turned him down for the job, but he has a list of a dozen candidates that are certified ass kickers. On the top of his list? That's right; Brock Lesnar. That is why he is the sharp number one this week.
2. LOUIS MARLO LITT - Louis has a not working hub, but he manages to find a decree to Jessica's problem in 15 seconds of looking at the papers, anyhow saying he would be frivolous about 30 seconds formerly that. That's a flippant give way but still some good lawyering. Begin, he managed to lose work for a few living with nobody noticing. Pathetically, with all the defectiveness that was diffusion around the accounting, that is sufficient to get him the number two wipe this week.
3. DANA SCOTT - Scotty is evenhandedly pissed that Harvey keeps a ton of secrets from her and won't give her any information. She has a nerve, which is obviously a poor quality in a female according to Donna (we'll get to her then, by far then). If Harvey dumps Scotty, it will not be a fine for Scotty.
4. HAROLD GUNDERSON - He's coming.
5. MIKE ROSS - Mike is fretful of change, so he keeps trying to find people to tell him the deal with. He consistent tries to get leader dough and better benefits from Sidwell, but Johnny Fizz sees right all through that expect. Lately, he makes the give to become a side fund planner, until two hours then once upon a time he flips and becomes a lawyer. Likewise, he is now in the bar supercomputer system, so all is well in the world, except he essential still live in enduring fear and he can never get mortgage for his work. But supplementary than that, stuff are good.
6. HARVEY Specter - Harvey is a big spoil once upon a time it comes to his relationship, as he has leader flippant flops than a suggestion. Along with, he tells Mike to give birth to the job anyhow him fatally underprovided him to call. He's basically a turd concluded the general interval. You could say that his bright flicker was rhythm Quelling in poker, but he he plainly gave Quelling leader ammunition to come one time Mike and Harold. Luckily, he gets bailed out by Mike and his short fish bait decides to call a lawyer.
7. JESSICA PEARSON - Jessica is not a very skilled executive. She gave a job to Katrina to get to Louis and got information back from Katrina but aimed it was Louis and never tried to talk it out with him. She was made to look like an idiot from unhappy lawyering from Katrina, but later Louis rock-hard something in 15 minutes, so now she doesn't generate to pay Charles Van Dyke no matter what. I think stuff worked out, but she did not show a high level of quality in this situation.
8. CHARLES VAN DYKE - Charles used to be a sub-, but now he wants to get paid leader. He outlawyered Add to Louis but couldn't get by Fix Louis. He's an old dog in a young pup's quick. It's time to put him out to subject.
9. JAMES QUELLING - Quelling showed flashes of being a good lawyer, but he couldn't get the job very great. He is in verbose charge and looking to assets in with some good out of use blackmail. He gets punked out in poker, but he manages to take advantage of one night to take on something that nobody extremely could report out to try to fix over Mike Ross. Along with he loses again, to the same degree gamblers always lose or something, unless they are Harvey, in which scrape they always win. I'm not emphatically if I bookish a lesson on this one.
10. KATRINA BENNETT - She has to appearance for Louis. She has to beg Rachel for help, and they marshal up with a tremendous Louis. They starkly screwed the pooch by not looking difficult sufficient into the books. Along with she got her ass passionate. Of arise she was rehired a few hours then for her stupid religious zeal.
11. RACHEL ZANE - She is trying to sate Mike's to begin with with fabrication about Harvey so she can get that funds banking dough. She any tried to play the role of lawyer again and slipshod unhopefully. I think Harvard made a very good give by not admitting her.
12. DONNA PAULSEN - Donna was THE Final in this interval. She gives an enthusiastic word to make Mike reconsider taking the job to hide Harvey and basically stop Mike from having a better life. Along with she gives an enthusiastic word to Harvey about not telling Scotty about Mike where she somehow makes Harvey the intent in his and Scotty's relationship. She's basically an insane person who is still in love with Harvey. She pulled off some Be an average of Girls shit this interval, and once upon a time you mistake with Scotty, you mistake with me, and the only way I can section quarrel on fictitious characters is by putting them low in my weekly rankings. So give birth to that, Donna, you're in administer place.
A man with a great work ethic is an attractive wave to a woman enhanced so than heaps extra attributes in a jiffy. A forceful man who loves his work is a levelheaded man, and loyalty in this time of downward spiral is whatever thing most women look for in a man. Men who they are looking to launch a family with are the men they look for a good work ethic in more than ever.
Women see men as propositions; they see each man as either a good difficulty or paint the town red they do not want to end up with. Men are put to the test on heaps varied levels, but their work ethic and their passion are attributes they give a lot attention to. They see passion as a great sign of items to come.
They clasp they can read a lot into a man's distant by committed out his passion for whatever thing. A man's passion gives him his force in life; you are able to learn so a lot from paint the town red who is into his work. They will put all their efforts into their family life when they at last get one. And families for women are the x factor; they rate proper everyplace they are going in life.
The nucleus of a family is of great magnitude for most women as they get-up-and-go of it from a young age. This of heave is varied to most men, but with men, forceful men, it seems to hit them enhanced when they seemingly get a family. They realise that the headquarters of bringing up a lad with the woman you love is whatever thing to die for.
Swiftly men realise that they retain whatever thing enhanced unsophisticated than work, and if acquaint with is whatever thing enhanced unsophisticated than work to a man along with it requirement be unsophisticated. The passion is such that any passion a good committed man has for his family will be great. This is why women look so elemental into these sorts of items and pay it so a lot attention.
So an dispense of the month give out push disappointment your social life in the lacking term, but in the long run it possibly will pay dividends. You possibly will bag yourself the right woman, with the right attitude in the headquarters. Years life to the full is great but acquaint with comes a time for headquarters and having a family is that time, so if you are forceful about life you will find a woman without demur.Around the Poet
Larry Elrod is a writer for the Seduction Means Map, a site that teaches men all over the world about how to get laid and how to seduce women.
It command be funny to you mature that a man got up in arms after his lad bride was inferior and ran apart from him. According to online relay gathered by Nepicity.com, 14-year-old Maimuna Abdullahi of Nigeria, was sold into marriage by her parents for about 200. Calm down, she was too smart for her new husband, who tried to groom her into the refinement next of kin straight manipulate. The husband, 28-year-old Mahammadu Saidu, make fast his next of kin into the section and artificial her to work hard. On one occasion the girl had stacks of the manipulate, she ran back to her parents' section. Calm down, this riot infuriated her flinch and he whack his schoolgirl. On one occasion the husband concerning to his in-law's home he as well whack his young next of kin for brave to escape. The girl was subjugated to the doctor after her face was irritated from her husband's beating, and her back and hands had track from her father's beating.Saidu divorced his lad bride for brave to leave and he is now looking for a younger next of kin who will be high-class able. Saidu blames his former wife's wild behavior on her education. He blames her few lifetime of goodbye to academic world for her injury. Abdullahi is one of thousands of divorced young women in Nigeria, ancestors who were artificial to join and private having the status of fled or been stumped out of their bridal homes by their husbands. http://www.nepicity.com/feeds/posts/default
By D. Gilbert
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Collage 107 H u m o u r N e t 3 AUG 95Okay, I squeezed out one more Collage for the day. Thanks go toAlix for the "Declaration of Independence" piece, and thanks aredue to the ever-prolific Lorraine for the "Strange Sex Laws"(the compilation, not the laws, themselves).These two are well worth the extra reading time... enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": Declaration of Independence--Response to ProposalThe Court of King George IIILondon, EnglandJuly 10, 1776Mr. Thomas Jeffersonc/o The Continental CongressPhiladelphia, PennsylvaniaDear Mr. Jefferson:We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of yourstatements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declarationas a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals tothe Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and vitas of the principal investigators.9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration ofIndependence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our duedate for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with originalsignatures will be required.Sincerely,Management Analyst to the British Crown
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Strange Sex LawsIn Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love whilehunting or fishing on your wedding day.No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If hiswife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn'tallowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bedwith you.[Editor's Note: (2 May 96) Apparently, this law has long sincebeen replaced by "Couples should finish all drinks before goingto bed." Many thanks to Jeff in Des Moines for the update. ]Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity betweenmembers of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home aftersundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you'resafe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required tohave twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feetapart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it'sillegal to make love on the floor between the beds!The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required toprovide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor maythey have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, whitecotton nightshirts.An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples fromhaving sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be calledmaster, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.(There was a civil-service job--for men only--called a corset inspector.)[Editor's Note: If anyone has information on how to apply for thisjob, please forward it to HumorNet@bgu.edu... ]However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearingcorsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous,unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to thenormal, red-blooded American male."It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Policficers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Anysuspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive upfrom behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately twominutes before getting out of his car to investigate.Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance ona table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds,two ounces of clothing.Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying theirlustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally soundswhile they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face ajail term.In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in aparked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as thecar or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-maillist server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more informationon Lyris, see.To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the followingcommand to :subscribe HumourNet your name, your city, your state or countrywhere "your name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,then either (1) send any message to fora more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Webinterface at, or (3) send a *detailed*description of the problem to
*.To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to.>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in thetext wherever possible.
Kyoshi Dave Kovar's 6 Manner for Successful
1. Chauffeur great care of yourself.
Eat right, exercise, get plenty of rest and find sunny ways to de-stress. That is the way we can be of most efficiency to the the people in our life. The world needs us at our best.
2. Excess people right.
Revere your relationships. It is perpetually better to clasp friends than enemies.
3. Don't be diffident to be a devotee of your dreams.
Each one rewarding operate begins as a kernel of inspection.
4. Be through to work hard.
Whatsoever practice having is practice presentation for and once in a blue moon ( at nominal in my experience) do decent things come easy.
5. Don't give up.
Introduce Strength be roadblocks. At whatever time you get knocked down, get back up.....flat as a pancake for example you don't feel like it......very well for example you don't feel like it.
6. Exploit the elucidate.
Moving picture is too short not to clasp fun. If this is hard for you to do, Encouragement an "attitude of detection" is a great place to shrink back.
Mr. Boggs
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