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Curiosity killed the cat, and a woman's curiosity is about to get the best of her, and maybe of him, too. Confident achievers are more inclined to listen than to speak, unless they are teaching, and the more social nature of women make them want men to talk about themselves more than most are comfortable doing. Men also tend to try to separate their work time from their family time and are not driven to explore and milk negative emotions the way women are, so "talking about his bad day," isn't something most men are likely to do unless they are wussy complainers looking for attention. There are ways of handling this mess if you use your head...
Today's edition is on something that has been a recurring theme in readers' letters, a man who doesn't talk enough about himself to satisfy a woman's curiosity. Some men keep secrets because they are ashamed of themselves and their past, but others simply aren't comfortable blowing their own horn.
Achievers tend to let their actions speak for them. I've had a lot of letters from women and men over this problem since it was last breeched in my newsletter (see the archived article at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/635-What-Women-Say-They-Want-in-Their-Relationships-and-Marriage-Sharing-the-Details-of-the-Day?highlight=sharing+drama); from women who think their man is hiding something and from men who are annoyed with what feels like "constant prying and digging." Here's an excellent example. Meet Bernice:
Dear David,
My husband and I have a great marriage and we love each other very much. We purchased your book out of curiosity and I am so glad we did. Even though our marriage is a good one I believe there will always be room for improvement.
There is one area that I would like to ask you about and hope you can help me to understand better what I need to try to do. As far as sex, after reading your book we are again like two teenagers getting away with sex in my parents bed or in some public place that makes us even hotter. The only part of our life that seems to be a problem is we never talk to each other. This is starting to take its toll on me and I feel the wedge between us sinking a bit deeper every day.
I would love to be able to share what happened in our day together over dinner, but it seems the last thing he wants to talk about is his day. I feel like I do not know this man in certain areas in his life and to be honest I do not like how that makes me feel. We never talk about his life before me at all, but his past is not really my biggest concern. Sure I would like to know all I can about him, but I would be happy if he would just open up to me some and share with me portions of his life. I do not feel that is too much to ask him to do.
I would appreciate any ideas you have on this subject, other than this it seems we have the perfect partnership and most loving marriage of any of our friends or for that matter anyone we know. He knows all about me and sometimes I feel like I am married to a stranger.
Thank you for your time,
Bernice
(Gentlemen, stick with me, because there is a huge lesson here to help you to understand women's perceptions.)
Well Bernice, thank you for writing, and I'm going to start by asking you and everyone else who has not read the issue linked above to please do so. It is full of details about why men do this and how to handle it, and I'm not going to reprint it here because according to AWeber (my newsletter broadcaster and autoresponder manager), 84% of subscribers have read that newsletter and I don't want to bore them with a repeat.
I will, however, help you to get some perspective here. You say that you have a wonderful marriage, and that's simply not possible without good communication, which is a strong indication that you are talking a lot more than you are allowing yourself to acknowledge or else you're exaggerating the state of your marriage, which is highly unlikely since this newsletter leaves your identity entirely anonymous and there's no logical reason to do exaggerate. Hence, you're making way too big a deal of him not talking about his past or his workday. The contents of the other article will help you to rectify your problem with the scant or missing "workday report," but not about the issue of him talking about his past, or not talking, as the case may be.
Achievers, the kind of men who make terrific husbands because they are confident, intelligent, usually good leaders with good communications skills, and are therefore highly attractive, know that your mind and body go wherever your eyes are focused. Hence, they are always looking forward, not at the past. They don't spend a lot of time reminiscing about the "good ol' days" because they are constantly making good NEW days. One of the greatest keys to being an achiever is in learning the lessons that any event has to offer and then relegating the event to the past, taking forward only the lesson to guide future choices and actions.
This doesn't mean that achievers have no fond memories, but they are usually far too busy looking forward to the next day, the next week, the next year, the next project or the next venture to be thinking much about the past. It's a boring waste of time for us, as it holds no challenge at all, and it's usually not until such a man has fully retired and is no longer looking forward to his next achievement (which rarely happens for true achievers, even when well beyond retirement age) that he will look favorably on spending much time talking about the past unless he needs it as a backdrop or framing for a lesson he is trying to teach to someone to whom is being a mentor.
"But what if he's hiding something from me?" you say? What do guilty parties do when you ask them questions about something they are trying to hide? No, they don't just refuse to answer or change the subject, they ACT GUILTY!
You've seen it. You ask a simple question like, "What were you doing before you met me?" and they first repeat your question back to you, then respond with something like, "What are you accusing me of?" and act indignant or embarrassed. Only a true sociopath can pull that maneuver off convincingly, because they have a structural and chemical condition in their brain that causes them to have no conscience, no fear of discovery.
Hence, if a man reacts indifferently or amused to a question about his past, he simply IS indifferent or amused, nothing more and nothing less. If he acts embarrassed he is embarrassed, and if he acts defensive he is defensive. No matter how intelligent we may be, when it comes to communication we men are simple creatures, far simpler than women, and if we're hiding something bad that would negatively impact our relationship, women will pick up on it in a heartbeat because they have receptors for non-verbal communication that will likely be thousands of years evolving in men. (There's part of your lesson, Guys: just don't bother lying about anything, because you won't get away with it for long, if at all.)
Now, Gentlemen, as distasteful as it might be, it would also help if you would cut the woman you love some slack and realize that she's not just nosy, she's genuinely curious about you and interested in knowing you as well as she can. Women also connect through sharing accounts of their day and exploring the emotions that the day's events caused. Experiencing the emotions of your day help her to connect, and connection is one of the most important things in any relationship a woman has.
When she asks about your day, try to give her more than just, "Fine," or "Lousy." Something like, "It was a pretty good day. I didn't start any new projects so there's really nothing outstanding to report there, but everything else is moving forward without any kind of spectacular progress or interruption, so it was a day worth spending because I earned my pay. There was a funny thing that happened at lunch; the guy in the next office got a belly-dancer-gram and was embarrassed to death, but that's about it," would tickle the pants off of most women, just because you made the effort to give her more than a monosyllable answer, like, "Fine."
There's another BIG lesson: Women only answer in monosyllables when they are upset with you and have thrown up a wall, and expect that you are doing the same thing, so try to remain aware of that, avoid doing it, and pay attention when she does it because it's a declaration that something needs to be straightened out.
If it was a bad day, "I don't want to talk about it," doesn't work nearly as well as, "It was a very frustrating day, because there were a bunch of idiotic interruptions and nothing really went right, but tomorrow should be better, so if you don't mind I'd really like to just put this day behind me and enjoy spending some time with you." Her curiosity won't be entirely satisfied, but she did get a taste of your frustration and the remaining curiosity will most likely be nullified because you took the time to give her the respect of an explanation instead of just cutting her off like she's insignificant or you're ticked off at her for asking.
As for talking about your past, again, as distasteful as it might seem, try to give her something, even if it's just an interesting or amusing story from time to time, because she's wanting to get to know you better. Women like stability and continuity and are usually also very curious in general, and feeling like they are familiar with your past creates a sense of security for them, as if they have known you all their life. If there are truly painful or embarrassing moments in your past, you should at least tell her that what she's asking about is something that is truly painful or embarrassing that you are trying very hard to move beyond, and at least for the time being it would be best to leave it alone until you can do a better job of resolving it mentally and emotionally.
I have found, in my own life and that of those who have written me about theirs, honesty about one's past to ultimately be the best policy, even if it ends up ending a relationship, because the stress of hiding the past wears on you and the truth about the past can come at you out of nowhere, and it's far less likely to be a problem if she hears it from you than from someone else.
Obviously, confessions are always better received by a spouse than accusations, damning testimony and evidence, and ultimately convictions. Frankly, the time to confess all is between the marriage proposal and the wedding, not after the wedding when everything has become much more complicated. You want a partner to be with you because they choose to be with you, not because they choose not to leave as the lesser of two painful choices. You also want a partner who accepts you as you are, not who merely accepts your best side.
Communicating with your partner can be the glue that binds your relationship or the wedge that drives you apart; it's your choice, and it's a serious one. I cannot tell you how much easier my life has become since learning how to communicate with women; so few men can do it well that women really appreciate it when they are speaking with one, and will just about kill to protect a relationship with such a man because he's rare and valuable, especially if he's an alpha male to whom she's genuinely attracted and knows that he has deliberately evaluated their relationship and decided that it is worth maintaining.
There are some gents on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, right now who are in deep trouble, and at least one of them is saying that failure to communicate is a huge part of what has his wife pressing for divorce. They're getting some help in trying to fix the problem, too, and it would behoove you to read through it.
You can be one of us few guys who "get it" simply by reading and applying what you find in "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.' It's waiting for you at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Get yours now and get busy making your life better, because it's far too short to spend it bored, frustrated, or fearful of being alone. As I keep saying, never put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today!
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham
"Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
So this is my list of books that completely surprised me - either because the cover didn't match the book, the summary didn't describe the story that well or because (more frequently) my bigoted opinion of the book was incorrect.
"1) PEGASUS "BY ROBIN MCKINLEY
Just look at that beautiful, beautiful cover. It's all kinds of amazing. Unfortunately, the book is not. Far from it in fact.
I completely admit to buying this book purely because of the cover image. That'll teach me.
Read my review of "Pegasus "here.
2) "BOUND "BY SARAH BRYANT
On the other hand, just look at this terrible cover! It's so generic-paranormal-YA, and the blurb doesn't help. 'Girl sees things nobody else does and meets a mysterious boy who can see them too.'
But I'm reading it now, and so far it's very, very good! From now on, I may "only "read books with ugly covers.
I'll link this to a review when, you know, I actually have one.
3) "BLACK SWAN RISING "BY LEE CARROLL
I'm not normally a fan of girl-in-the-pretty-dress covers, but the summary promised a unique fantasy story, full of folklore and swan imagery.
Not so. There's not a lot of the above, but there "is "a Sneaky Vampire. Click the link for my rant. It's happened before and it will happen again. I "hate "Sneaky Vampires.
In fact, it's so completely generic and unmemorable that I forgot what image I was looking for as I scrolled through my picture archive "three times."
Click for my "Black Swan Rising "review.
4) "LADY CHATTERLEY'S LOVER "BY D.H. LAWRENCE
"This one wasn't deceiving in a good or "a bad way. But it was, nevertheless.
I'm sure many of you know how "Lady Chatterley "was banned in the 1960s for its obscenity and how many copies have the page numbers of the illicit scenes pencilled in the back? Well, when I read it last year, it's just... not. There are two sex scenes and they're both less than a page long.
I know I sound disappointed (eh, wouldn't be completely untrue to form), but it just surprised me how tame it was. I mean, even the covers have naked women on them!
My review of "Lady Chatterley's Lover "is here! :)
5) "THE HUNGER GAMES "BY SUZANNE COLLINS
"I know this has made it onto a lot of lists today, but I never once "thought it was about starvation or being stranded on a desert island. It's just that every time I saw the UK cover of "The Hunger Games, "it looked to me like some young adult spy/thriller book. As I have absolutely "zero "interest in those, I always ignored it until I stumbled across the fifty million reviews around the blogosphere!
I "still" don't understand why they chose this cover.
My review of "The Hunger Games."
6) "FURY "("MERCY "SERIES, BOOK FOUR) BY REBECCA LIM
"Wow, a book called Fury! "And look, there's a bad-ass looking girl on the front and the colours are a ferocious red and gold! This must be about a woman who doesn't take no for an answer, stands up for what she believes in and won't take crap from anyone, right!?
Uhh... no. It's not.
7) "THE MAGICIANS "BY LEV GROSSMAN
I admit to not being a fan of this one anyway, but I do think the cover is misleading. It looks all dark and mysterious, hinting at an adult book filled with danger and secrets. Even the summary makes it seem darker than it really is.
Inside though, it comes across as very childlike and has the worst ending in human history. It's about students trying to find their way into childrens' books, for God's sake.
My review of "The Magicians "is here.
8) "CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? "BY SOPHIE KINSELLA
This was the first Sophie Kinsella book I ever read and I'm so grateful for the introduction to her books.
I grabbed it from the library on the way to a long train journey. On closer inspection after I actually boarded the train, it looked like any generic, badly-written drivel. The cover looks fluffy and the summary seems fluffy.
And it is, I suppose. But it's also hilarious and moving, and I've since devoured all of her other works. I'm not a massive chick-lit fan, but I really do like these.
Aaaaand that's it. Sorry folks, I'm out of ideas!
Credit: dating-coach-anita.blogspot.com
It's no secret: I'm single.
I write about it, I talk about it, I bitch and moan about it. It's a situation I can only do so notably to change, and so like so various 20 or 30 somethings, I've turned to internet dating.
Let me bring together with you my humid enthusiam for the futuristic dating view.
Yeah, that was with belatedly pan soir.
I gotta say, logging on to find lovin' plants me with anything but a revved motor and a hot perfect example. In all probability its the anonymity, perhaps its the impersonal nature, either way I hold a hard time gullible any passion for partaker who slaps a profile on the internet.
I hold, nevertheless, gotten worried about a guy crossways a severe room. In the later than, I've very residential a bit of interest in partaker after a draw up of wise repartee. I gather what gets me separation is personal interaction.
The problem with internet dating (and I think perhaps I've pontificated about this as a result of) is that some people fail to make their relationship progress from the keyboard to the continue convention, or coating theatre or dining room or any far-off dating activity color.
Most recently, I've had the good plight of exchanging profiles with a man who's jumping at the venture to put an in-person cover up with my cape name. That I can get in a state of high excitement about. I hold a hard time cultivating some interest for partaker who sends me a "sparkle," a "yell out," a "you got some purdy teeth," or a "hey bitch, I wanna be yo' indulge daddy"." Extremely, so perhaps I'm stretching it a bit on fill crucial two, but if you saw some of the profiles balanced disclose out put on, with you'd be aware of what I'm talking about.
Chemistry, indulge... that seems to be the easiest way to flicker a romance, and I don't care how hardwired your motherboard is, I don't think chemistry is one make an objection you can overconfident throughout the Earth Wide Web.
I haven't on the whole complete doesn't matter what with the blog about, so I figured it's time to establish. I'm as of a new cycle of my life this month; I just turned 30 animation old, I'll be teaching a college conduit for the first time, and I'm about to put up with a female roommate. A very graceful, appreciably younger female roommate, who I'll be referring to as "Very." I cogently don't like pickup blogs that order the goingsout of PUAs. Totally I just find them hard to digest, they're destitute on apiece place and analysis, full of swagger rumor, and there's most likely boss than a as quirk leaving on. I do hitherto think it can be useful to guys to put up with a journal for personal reasons. If you do expenditure the time to go over the ramshackle and think substance listed your all right skills will improve and you'll put up with an easier time applying the theory because you go out. That believed, I think I'm leaving to be contributing everything a bit primary about. Not copious guys put up with attractive female roommates. I never put up with formerly, except for a month everyplace one of my coworkers slept on my futon schedule looking for a place to live. I don't put up with a sister either -- everything copious guys put up with reported as being very useful in understanding women. So, this have to to be a great way to learn about women better. Moreover, I'm humorous how it's leaving to effect my quality of life in extra ways. I be wary of that having an attractive girl about is leaving to mean I ceaselessly feel like I need to DHV. This may perhaps be hysterically irksome, but I'm lively that it's just leaving to make me a better person. I'll put up with to keep the place filtered and not expenditure fantastic weekends vegging out to Netflix or playing Diablo. Of conduit there's the capability that she vegges out all weekend surveillance Netflix and I'll want to join in to the same degree, hey, why not expenditure the day surveillance Netflix with a cute girl, right? She's into fitness and that stuff despite the fact that, so I shame it'll be a problem, and confident no lessen than my view roommate who'd lose fantastic weekends to professional football and who essentially ate lifeless chicken nuggets and PF Chang's. To help me ferret the quality of life effect I'm leaving to keep succession of two numbers: my weight, and how copious dance ups I can do, and intimates shut down are impartial 168.3lbs and 7 dance ups. I weighed forcefully the self-same (give or detain a thump) and may perhaps do 2 dance ups because I first encouraged in with my old roommate. Former he announced he was stirring out (shacking up with his girlfriend) I may perhaps do 3, so I've come a long way in the view month. And of conduit I'll be noting the soft, non-quantifiable changes as well. And no, I won't send a response to you a unloading.
Reference: gamma-male.blogspot.com
Each one guy wants a girlfriend but not all of them get one. Strangely such as it comes to the matter of looks and ancient personality issues. But does this mean that bright guys can't stay on the line girl friends? Well you see it depends on how you define bright. Looks don't mean you are bright as a person. The fact is that limit women don't methodical care what a guy looks like if he has ancient big qualities. Read on to apprehend how you can get a girlfriend quickly and cuff terrain shattering argue in vogue no time.
Relate while to look- One of the glaring reasons why some guys never get a girl friend is only due to the fact that they are looking at all the wrong places such as they are trying to find a likelihood girl friend. Never try to pick up women at bars or pubs. That's the sprint mania you want to do in the present day and age. You see at bars and ancient such places you are ninety percent supplementary artless to get rejected than any ancient place. Women stay on the line just too patronize men hitting on them in bars and pubs and you get categorized as one of them. Consequently make certain you go looking at a place while you get a opportunity to mix and interact skillfully with women.
"HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND"
Don't be desperate- Never give the impression that you are strong or needy to get a girl friend methodical such as you are. You see past a female gets to say to that you are needy she would immediately graduation supervision distance.
Be excellently interesting- Now let's come down to the matter of looks. Yes looks do matter to females but it only constitutes ten percent of your dreadful personality. You see women don't care what you look like if you stay on the line a very full of character personality and stay on the line no matter which magical to commit to women. Women like to see a celebrity who can keep them amused fairly than a celebrity who is ordinary. How to Get a Girlfriend As expected - Press-gang Girls Trail You Benefit from Blustery and Beg For Dates
In the role of you don't say to yet- Ever tried to spectacle what's in a woman's mind? In the role of is she thinking about? Do you say to that women do not always mean what they say? They ability say no matter which and mean the frank render null and void. But what do women plainly want? Do you say to stage are some secrets women don't want men to say to but men presently condition say to these secrets in order to replace with women? Read on to apprehend some of the limit "Unscrupulous Secrets" women don't want men to know- 9 Most Unscrupulous Secrets Women don't want men to say to
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February 15, 1874
At the same time as yet astonishes me is the develop of intractable violence with which women side against the accused. A ensnared is in their eyes a culprit. Far from distrusting their own passion, they say in it; they hold an opposition to evenhandedness, to freedom from strife, to the spirit of reprisal. Infinite God, what would become of the tribunals if women sat present-day under the ermine? Not one of us, not one of them[,] would wish to be weighed in this associate and hold no substitute good hands for our honour than this blind and aggressive certitude of beings who are feeble of classical equity. Suspected and con- demned, arraigned and convicted, judged and executed is all one entity with the ladies. Twenty errors on their part, successive and proved, gives them neither condescending silence in their accusations nor second reserve in their company, nor second open-mindedness in their judg- ments. "Cosi fan tutte [all women are like that]." They distinguish only love and loathing and do not outline pure the conjoin of reprisal. These low creatures are merely stormy the moment they bring to a close to be unwarranted. Care for after that of theological women, adherent women, socialistic women, sentinel of the women with the knitting-needles, the women who sumptuous petroleum on the enliven, people that light the pyres. Having a dourness of defense, they are the willing victim of every cure and they can go to every never-ending. The moment the female daub dominates, over- jubilation and orgies are imminent; religions, art, lingo, behavior, states are impaired and fall into dishonesty.--I hold whispered too extensively in woman, I require lower my assess. Her role require be subor- dinate in order to be remedial. Her majority would be disas- trous.
It seems to me that we ahead of hold an embroidery of the fem- inine daub. Proudhon, the deep-seated misogynist, is not every one careless in his anti-feminist need (see his book La Morality). Sci- ence, defense, reprisal, all that is best in the patrimony of our specialization, is threatened by the advent of woman, who is all feeling, forethought, caprice, passion, gullibility, favour, without respect for widespread inter- ests.
"Living thing is the guru man's sadness", the moment she becomes high and mighty of her shortcoming and thorny in her weaknesses. It is crucial in this manner that she destitution keep on. But this is a contrite advantageous, for she require still be dependable, won over, complied with in her un- influential contentions...
At the same time as attaches me to S. is that she has the fine manly attributes, serious uprightness, the love of the certainty, the instinct of reprisal and the practice of open-mindedness, in quiet, that she is a lovely heart who reacts against the vexatious instincts of her sex, without neglecting its qualities.
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