Goslings

I can't help it, in the last couple of months I've been looking at babies and even toddlers (bigger kids are just scary) and feeling what I think must be broody. It's hard to describe, but I suppose I get this happy and maternal sensation, and imagine myself holding a baby and feeling rather contented. I've even started feeding the ducks at Barnes pond!It's more of a feeling sensation then a thinking one. Intellectually, once I catch myself mid-dreamy state and say, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?!?" and start thinking about what having children means, I drop the idea there and then.

Mags (my big sis) says it's all part of evolution, and I must be getting to that age or time in my body's life cycle where I am wanting to have bambinies. There is also the nest syndrome, whereby in the case of some women, when you are feeling settled and happy in your life, you feel on some primordial level ready to have children. It's just like animals; they find a good, safe, spot whereupon they build a nest before starting their families.

It's a very odd sensation this broodiness, because rationally I am very (very) aware of the huge impact having a baby has on your life, and one might even say I have an aversion to the idea. I've had to listen to both my grandmother and mother (who had their firsts very young) telling me: "Don't have kids, just enjoy your life with your partner. Why do you want to disrupt things?" Then I have to take a step back and see their context: Big families, very little help (very traditional alpha-male hands-off husbands), and having their first at about 18 - so no real adult life outside of motherhood.I am 30 and have had a full adult life until now - which includes a higher education and therefore (perhaps) more choices then they had, a career, lots of friends, travel, and many (far too many) parties. I don't think that if I were to have a baby now I would feel as cheated as they may have done, but then again perhaps I'd feel cheated out of a lifestyle that I have come to enjoy very much.I know a few couples who have started families later in life, and some of them say that the adjustment is tremendous and the impact on their one on one relationship has been huge. No longer is it just the two of you in this world - ever available emotionally to each other. No, suddenly there is this little thing that is completely and utterly dependent on you and takes precedence. People argue that they will never let a child be more important then their spouse - but whether you like it or not, a baby cannot take care of itself in any way, and you are 100% responsible for it's every need. So when little Hannah is crying and your partner comes home after a long day and wants a back rub - guess who gets fist dibs?Then there's no more lie-ins on Sunday mornings after a heavy Saturday night (what Saturday night?), and probably a lot less romantic evenings together as junior tests out his lung capacity. There is also the issue of resentment which creeps into things. It is rare that both people take equal responsibility with their child (my sister and her husband somehow manage this), and one person invariably feels as though they got a raw deal. Perhaps you have just had your baby and your hubby is out working and goes out for a few beers with colleagues after work. It might not even be something late, but as you have been stuck at home all day with nothing more then a cute little face to stare at and a dirty bottom to wipe, you may get a little pissed off that (a) Your husband has what appears to be a more interesting daily existence then you, and (b) You were quite looking forward to him coming home so that you could hand the baby over and have a bit of 'me' time (brush teeth, shower etc), or get to spend time with him and have some adult contact. But no, he's out having a beer (as he did before the baby came along and which you never had a problem with as you were no doubt having a few with the girls yourself), and you hate him for it.

Our neighbor has had to give up his long standing best friend (a lovely little Scotty called Angus complete with Burberry jacket), because it had jealousy issues with their newborn. I saw him in the lift recently and asked after Angus, and (almost tearfully) he said giving him up (he went to live with his wife's mother) was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. It wasn't overt, but I sensed some resentment there which was probably the source of much guilt.

There's also the fact that from the moment that little one comes into the world, you are completely responsible for them. It's also a minimum 18-year financial commitment (mobile phones, designer trainers etc) - more for some who's kids don't quite leave the nest. And even if they don't continue to rely on you financially as adults, there's emotional support and the babysitting thing once they have kids - though I've yet to meet a grandparent who minds this bit too much.

An intentionally childless friend of mine and his wife (who are in their 40's) are constantly jetting off here and there for weekends away. I suppose not having university fees to worry about means they have a lot of disposable income available. They have a large group of friends who are similarly childless, and they get together for evenings and holidays abroad. Despite being together for many years, they still speak on the phone a dozen times a day and he talks about her with a twinkle in his eye. Most resoundingly though, these two people appear to be genuinely good friends. I think of my own parents being bogged down with work concerns, my siblings and my various eccentric foibles, and just looking exhausted most of the time. They didn't seem to have a relationship with each other that existed outside of us kids, which I think is a very sad thing.Ultimately, before getting married you need to be in agreement about whether or not you want children, and in our case, we have agreed to go for it. This has of course come with written contractual promises of a minimum of one nanny, and at least one evening a week whereby Robert stays home with the little one while I go out with the girls. I'd like to think that with a bit of extra help we may be able to have a relationship and life that is not too unlike what we have now, though I'm sure it's going to involve a lot of major changes. My biggest concern is that we remain best friends, which is something I treasure more then anything.

Still, these are things to worry about in a year or two, after the whole wedding planning thing (another upcoming stress I have consciously avoided facing), house hunting etc. Until then, I'll just have to deal with this broodiness thing and continue to feed the ducks. Isn't getting older wonderful?