No matter how much I encourage, cheerlead, or try to convince him other wise. He says he'll work on his finances but then he doesn't follow through. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?"
A client sent this email to me. I completely understood her frustration and overwhelm. Unfortunately her situation isn't unique. This is a common complaint that I hear from couples.
Get curious about your reactivity
"NO!" This is usually our first reaction we experience when our partner does something that we don't agree with. And when it's in the financial arena it can drive us absolutely bonkers. Because it's so directly tied to our "survival fears."
Our reactive reptilian brain kicks in producing fearful thoughts like, "I feel resentful that I have to handle the financial details on my own. How am I suppose to make it if my partner isn't motivated to get a job? I hate that I'm always the one who has to initiate our Financial Dates and that he doesn't seem interested or motivated."
So we defer to our "control tactics." We resort to our learned behaviors that supported us in getting what we wanted in the past. We cheerlead, "Come on honey - I know you can do it. I sincerely believe in you. You've got what it takes."
Or we get angry and rationalize. "I've had it. It's time for you to start showing up with our finances because I'm sick and tired of handling it all on my own. It's time you begin contributing more. I mean you'd have to handle your finances on your own if we weren't together!"
In the area of finances the greatest challenge is that it's all too easy to point our fingers at our partners and miss the opportunity to do our own personal work.
Stress equals opportunity
In the book, "Loving What Is," Byron Katie says: "Every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom."
If you feel reactive - this is a sure sign that you're being given the opportunity to look inward, investigate, grow and learn something new about yourself. This is actually the secret to transforming yourself and your situation. It actually isn't about getting your partner or situation to change.
As long as we believe that it is about our partner we will continue to stay stuck. And yet ironically when we focus on our inner healing our relationships and challenging life situations "miraculously" transform with little or no effort on our part.
Most of our reactivity comes from our inner resistance to having a relationship with "what is." In a split second our minds spin out of control and add stories that we instantly and mistakenly take on as being "the truth." Most of us have gotten so good at telling stories that we're no longer able to separate fact from fiction.
My mentor, Jim Bergquist shared a situation about a boss that he had worked with in the past. Several times a week his boss would go into an emotional tirade after reading the daily paper.
His boss would stomp into the office and yell his frustrations at one of the employees - usually Jim. "This guy is a lunatic! What is wrong with him?" How come he doesn't like me?" Jim would think.
After many painful episodes with his boss, Jim made the decision to stay completely present the next time his boss yelled at him. Jim also made the commitment to drop his internal story and judgments about his boss.
After a few days the opportunity presented itself again. However this time as his boss was yelling -Jim stayed completely present to the experience. He noticed that his boss had a gold crown on one of his back teeth. He saw a vein with a bluish tint popping out on the right side of his forehead.
He observed the spit as it came flying out of his boss's mouth. Then all of a sudden his boss stopped in mid-sentence, looked at Jim, turned around and walked back into his office - he never yelled at Jim or anyone else again.
Having a relationship with "What is"
When Jim was able to be completely present with "what is" without resistance to his situation and without adding any additional stories, assessments or judgments - Jim experienced an internal transformation that allowed him to stay present while his boss was yelling.
This in turn supported his boss in being present - which gave his boss sudden access and insight into how ridiculous he was being.
My client who emailed me was able to notice her internal story, or "shoulds" about the way she felt her husband "should be showing up with finances."
She also knew that what she wanted most was for her husband to speak his truth. The two of them engaged in a conversation where they shared openly and honestly with each other.
Her husband shared the ways in which he genuinely wanted to involved with the family finances - and the ways in which he did not.
And together they created a new way to work on the family finances that resonated for both of them.
Whenever we experience reactivity to the people or situations in our lives we are being given the golden opportunity to look inward - instead of outward. It is through our own personal exploration and transformation that our life situations and relationships magically transform as well.
LESLIE CUNNINGHAM, CTACC, THE FINANCIAL DATING EXPERT is dedicated to helping couples build a wealthy relationship around love and money, so they meet and exceed their financial goals working with each other instead of against each other. Leslie has over 17 years experience as a service professional, leading groups, presenting, and helping individuals and couples achieve success. Get more relationship and money tips at http://www.financialdating.com/
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