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I wanted to continue the discussion on survivor guilt I thought I would put up a couple of definitions on guilt: This definition is from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary- FEELINGS OF CULPABILITY ESPECIALLY FOR IMAGINED OFFENSES OR FROM A SENSE OF INADEQUACY. A common definition is-
TO MAKE (SOMEONE) FEEL GUILTY, ESP. IN ORDER TO INDUCE THEM TO DO SOMETHING.
It is very common for trauma survivors to feel guilty. One of the reasons is because when you have survived traumas like; sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse the abuser makes you feel guilt. For instance when I was growing up with Ruth she never took any responsibility for her actions. Her actions were always blamed on others. When you are told that you caused something even if you didn't after a while you start to believe it. She spent a lot of time telling anyone who would listen what a terrible kid I was. If we went out shopping and bumped into people they would say to her things like Roseann is a good kid. Ruth's response was always you should live with her. She isn't as good as you think. It would always make me feel terrible. I remember thinking how it would have been nice of her to at least once agree that I was a good kid.
I couldn't imagine as a parent trying to make people believe my sons or daughter weren't good people. I have always taken great pride in supporting my kids. If people said anything to me about how they were good kids it would make me proud. I didn't try to knock them down a notch by saying something mean. I never took pleasure in making my kids feel bad about themselves. I am not saying that I am perfect and didn't make mistakes as a mother because that would be a lie.
When I was in domestic violence my ex tried several ways to guilt me into doing things. He never took responsibility for his actions. If he didn't like his job it was my fault. If he didn't like just about anything it was always my fault. If only I had cooked a better meal, if only I had cleaned the house better, if only I took care of the kids better. When I left him once and filed for divorce he came by where I was living and left a Bible with a note telling me to read certain passages. When I looked through the Bible I found passages underlined. He wrote notes near the passage explaining how God didn't want me to divorce him and how the passage proved it. If I wasn't at the place emotionally and spiritually as I was when I received this Bible I may have bought into his opinions. I'm thankful I didn't. Another reason to feel gratitude.
Those who purposely traumatize others do so by placing blame and shame onto the person who is being traumatized. There is a old saying: Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt you. This is not true words do hurt. They hurt a persons soul, psyche and self-esteem. These words then become internalized as guilt. The survivor has to deal with this guilt until they are able to get to a point where they have healed form it. If you add P.T.S.D. on top of guilt the survivor then has compounded issues to deal with. Guilt can be so bad that a person tries or succeeds at committing suicide.
Healing from guilt for me has been a long process. There are still things I feel guilty for. I do not feel as guilty as I used to. I am able logically to think through my guilt and am able to let it go most of the time. I hope I get to the point that I become completely able to not feel guilty for things I had no control over. The serenity prayer is helpful for that. Have a blessed night, Rosie http://memoirofaredemptivelife.com
The romance between partners is essential to maintaining that love will last for years. However, not everyone is capable of being romantic, as each partner has his tricks to keep the flame of love. There is no single form of love, nor romance. A person can be romantic just giving a kiss to his partner, stroking her hands, giving him flowers, a romantic dinner or indulging their desires.
Over time we lose the reality of how to be romantic, so when we know that we are really in love to express the most of what we feel. To be a true romantic acts of love must come from the heart, must be a true reflection of our feelings.
In general, we should be kind to our family, and we show that without it, our life would not be beaten. We often have that feeling, but it is important to express and not to save ourselves. If you're creative, it is best that you can impress with something that makes you truly know that illusion.
The romance goes hand in hand with feeling, is something never to be missed. We must not fall into the typical routine of a couple, just remember those times when you were happy together. Try to make your partner feel special.
Origin: pua-celebrities.blogspot.com
In "The Death of Empathy" James Tonkowich argues that the reason for the appalling behavior of participants and bystanders in the Steubenville rapes can be explained by the disappearance of any sense of moral obligation:.... Notre Dame sociologist Christian Smith discussing the religious and moral lives of teens and emerging adults relates that researchers [asked] the young people they interviewed the same question: Is what you believe about God and morality true for everyone everywhere or is it just is it just a private belief that's only true for you? That is, is spiritual and moral truth objective or subjective? The vast majority..."didn't understand the question". They were incapable of conceiving what objective truth and morality could possibly mean.....
As this relates to empathy, Smith and his team found that emerging adults believe that no one is under any obligation to help others. It's nice if you help if you feel like it, but no one should feel guilty for ignoring the needy. Thus in the Steubenville case teens saw the victim drunk, naked and unconscious and did nothing. They were, from their point of view, under no obligation to inconvenience themselves.
Add to that, the breakdown in the family, which also kills empathy. In her 2003 essay "Parents or Prisons," economist Jennifer Roback Morse writes:
The basic self-control and reciprocity that a free society takes for granted do not develop automatically. Conscience development takes place in childhood. Children need to develop empathy so they will care whether they hurt someone or whether they treat others fairly. They need to develop self-control so they can follow through on these impulses and do the right thing even if it might benefit them to do otherwise. All this development takes place inside the family. Children attach to the rest of the human race through their first relationships with their parents. They learn reciprocity, trust, and empathy from these primal relationships. Disrupting those foundational relations has a major negative impact on children as well as on the people around them. In particular, children of single parents - or completely absent parents - are more likely to commit crimes.
Such children develop attachment disorders and, as Morse writes, "An attachment-disordered child is the truly dangerous sociopath, the child who doesn't care what anyone thinks, who does whatever he can get away with."
The combination of single parents, absent parents, dual-income professional parents, daycare, after-care and easy, no-fault divorce have strained sometimes to the breaking point the relationship between parent and child, resulting in varying degrees of attachment disorder and thus children with insufficient discipline, compassion and empathy..... [more]The Death of Empathy Juicy Ecumenism - The Institute on Religion & Democracy's Blog
Credit: street-approach.blogspot.com
I've been having a long and glorious seizure over the blogosphere's recent interest in shame-how could I be anything but ecstatic that Douthat, Dreher, Serwer, McArdle, "and" Friedersdorf have all taken up my favorite topic?Yet it seems, sadly enough, that shame needs defending from its defenders, who have the right general idea but miss some important particulars. Rather than fisk the whole lot of ya, here's a defense of shame culture written in a form that suits the blogosphere: a top ten list, in this case the Top Ten Reasons to Love "Shame Culture." I've written about most of these ideas before, so follow the links in parentheses if any of these items is unclear.1. There can be no humility without humiliation. I can't repeat this too often.2. Evil is sexy and exciting, but there is very little "frisson" to behavior that's "beneath you."3. Guilt, unlike shame, is something a person can feel "proud" of. Piling self-congratulation onto sin adds insult to injury. (More, more.)4. Shame reinforces the postmodern concept of "mutual implicatedness," which used to be called the Brotherhood of Man. This one is tough to understand, so I'll quote myself (a lazy shortcut for which I feel appropriate shame):Virginia Burrus writes that "shame arises where we humans both honor and overflow our limits, where we recognize the limits of autonomy-where we observe, with no little alarm, the spreading stain of our mutual implicatedness." To de-pomo-ify that sentence: We only feel shame before people because we think that we've somehow "harmed" them, even though the only harm we've done is to have put a little more sin into the world. If we truly believe that putting sin into the world is a meaningful kind of harm, then we've come to terms with one of the most difficult implications of the brotherhood of man.5. I am inclined to be forgiving of my own faults-more so than I ought to be-whereas the public is not. With guilt, I always get less emotional punishment than I deserve. (More.)6. Body-related shame tends to get the worst rap of all, but "a sense of shame is what safeguards the bodily privacy necessary to civility" (Jean Bethke Elshtain). If you want a culture that respects privacy and personal space, you need shame.7. Consider this Navajo insult: "He behaves like one who has no family"-that is to say, "shamelessly". Shame reinforces our "little platoon"-sized loyalties. (More.)8. There is an important kind of "courage" that comes with a willingness to undergo humiliation; when shame disappears, so does this kind of courage. This is especially bad since this special courage is "the" virtue that philosophers, bloggers, and other truth-seekers need to have. (More, more, more.)9. Shame is visceral and involuntary, which makes it ideal for enforcing your moral code on people who don't agree with it, and doing so in a way that doesn't involve coercion or the state. This is a feature, not a bug. (More.)10. Guilt allows us to stay safely within our comfort zones, but shame pushes us "beyond" our limits. This is because shame is unforgiving, while guilt reinforces the fallacy that "to understand all is to forgive all." (This is similar to #5, but focuses less on feeling bad than on "doing better". See here, especially the part about punk traditionalism forcing people to excel.)The first and most obvious caveat is that we should take care to shame people for the right things. Good shame cultures are good and bad shame cultures are bad, obviously, although for my money either one is preferable to "no" shame culture. Secondly, I'd like to point out (as I did here) that the cruelty of a shame culture can be mitigated by insisting that there should always be exceptions to it-i.e. if a girl has a child out of wedlock, she should get dirty looks on the street from strangers but never from her mother. Or, if it isn't her mother who refuses to be part of the Shame Brigade, let it be her aunt, her godmother, her best friend's family, or her pastor who takes her in. Or all of them. I want to keep shame alive, but I also want to be humane; I can eat my cake and have it by making clear that a person should have a handful of people in his life that love him unconditionally.For an illustration of what I mean, watch this video from 5:30. (It's a scene from Aaron Sorkin's "Sports Night".) I know that some people think that a person should support his friends only when he agrees with them or approves of what they've done, so I should admit that those people upset the picture of shame culture that I've drawn, as the "Sports Night" clip will make clear. If you don't have a robust understanding of loyalty, I can't imagine that you'll be on board with shame.
Origin: umad-dating-advices.blogspot.com
"Mommy, I don't chance on what love is." Masses parents who maintain new with Asperger's Syndrome experience catastrophic moments like this and are expect as to how to bragging. Partiality seems such a natural part of our lives. Explaining what love is becomes conundrum, such as love is so assorted stow. Yet teaching love to your toddler is the utmost enormous work a parent can do. Partiality is untouchable than feeling it (emotional arrangement). Partiality is untouchable than talking about it (cognitive arrangement). Partiality is untouchable than systematizing a wholesome code to live by (as assorted with Aspergers do to recompense for their arrangement uproar). Partiality is untouchable than full of zip the rules of encounter (bar morality helps). Ruined the years new learn about all kinds of love, not just inherited love. They love their friends such as they are fun to be with, and they bunch the zeal of immaturity. They love their teachers and coaches such as they are custom and upbeat. As new result, they learn to give back untouchable and untouchable to the special people they love and who love them. At a decisive age they begin to plumb the depleted of romantic love. Of happen the hormones are out of control in introduce somebody to an area hub school and high school years, but it's not only about sexual yen. Revision how to give and carry love is a huge part of surfacing up absolute youth. We are pulled straight chemically and genetically for tie, which is one step in the loving route. The modeling of loving parents and spread kin and friendship networks expands that great ability by teaching the toddler how to chronicle the assorted varieties of love that are material. Excluding, as soon as a person is a non-empathetic, black-and-white pay attention, as assorted with Asperger's are, they try to spot love as if it were an object; something to be acquired. Yet love is a route that changes with each person you love and alters going on for the happen of each relationship like the flow of a edge cage. It's hard for them to invade that we are each a varying apt in a varying world and our love is a dynamic talking with introduce somebody to an area we love. In my practice, I've depart one effective way to improve new with Asperger Syndrome is to define the assorted miscellaneous types of love for them. The earlier period Greeks help us to do this. In the same way as acquaint with are assorted untouchable nuances in meaning than maintain been swallow, this is plethora to get you started guiding your AS toddler in the art of love. And let them chance on it is material to maintain untouchable than one type of love for a person. AG'aPE refers to true love. This is the productive and endless keenness one has for one's companion, friend, parents or new. It's thoughtful about them and show nice stow such as you want them to be happy. How can you, as a parent, explain this to your child? You strong point say, "Seeing that we feel Ag'ape we look at them and tell them, 'I love you deeply.'" 'EROS is furious and romantic love. It includes sensuality and painful. Sexual feelings are in total calculated a part of 'Eros. How can you, as a parent explain this to your child? You strong point say, "Seeing that you get ancient and feel 'Eros, you'll say with knowingly strength, 'I'm crazy about you!'" PHILIA possessions friendship. This is the custom of love one has for friends. It is not as furious as 'Eros. Philia is displayed with our friends absolute respect and loyalty and enjoying our time together. Philia is with the type of love we experience as soon as we handle an activity. How strong point you explain this to your child? Behind your friends you strong point say, "It was great seeing you." Or as soon as you handle an activity, you strong point say, "I just love soccer." We don't love soccer or our friends the way we love our careful ones or our heartthrob. STORGE possessions keenness. It is love, but just of the flaunt. Inside the family somewhere Ag'ape is strong, a parent will maintain keenness or Storge for their toddler at a flaunt the toddler does something gorgeous. You can maintain Storge for your pet, but it is conceivably not on the level of the Ag'ape you feel for your toddler. You strong point explain it this way: Seeing that you see your kitten playing with its toy, you feel pleasurable and say, "Oh he's being so cute! I just love my puddle." Don't let yourself escort that introduce somebody to an area with Asperger Syndrome can't love. Excluding, such as they are context-blind, their ability to make plain love is biased. In essence context blindness is the inability of introduce somebody to an area with Asperger's to become aware of the covert for the trees. Peter Vermeulen defines the invalidate of context blindness as context sensitivity: Context is what is separation on in the character, exterior and inside our plan that influences our way of gift meaning to stow. The ability to rent elements in the context that are useful and terrible and to use them is context be concerned. The neurotypical human plan is, incorrigibly, context annoyed. Parents can feel a great proffer of apologize for, take away and austerity as soon as teaching a toddler with Asperger Syndrome to show love. It possessions being an totally loving caregiver. Seeing that your toddler is not pulled straight for arrangement, the love that may be in his or her argument is seldom unqualified back in ways that make a neurotypical person feel loved. At what time you understand better how Asperger's works, you appreciate that your child's arrangement uproar and context blindness get in the way of separation her love with you, and constant leasing you love her back. But in their own way they do love you. Can you teach love? I am decisive you can, but your toddler will need to be instructed step by step on the art of loving. By establishing rules of encounter, you can hard the skills of loving. Partiality is a mystery for all of us, but for the AS toddler the mystery is tightly packed without guidance. Share out your toddler understand love strong point be as simple as telling her that acquaint with are assorted miscellaneous types of love as stated higher. See that you are loved, constant without verbal and physical demonstrations of keenness. Seeing that you come from a place of love, you swift the love to flow.
Reference: street-approach.blogspot.com
The potential of being truly happy and compassionate my dears all comes down to you making the choice to bring in positive changes and to promote those positive changes within every aspect of you, demonstrating your positive changes in all your daily and personal activities that will well help reduce any negative influences that may have been an obstacle.
Whenever you take part in negative actions, you may feel for a short while satisfied and somewhat happy, but it is well understood that negative actions attract negative consequences that only increase misery not happiness. Every time you demonstrate positive action you are increasing your own inner strength and through your inner strength you raise your confidence, and begin to understand more the importance of value. The value we speak of is not a material item, but something, perhaps a belief, a way of living, a thought that you hold close to your heart; through positive actions you also understand more the value of family and friends that are closest to you that you whole-heartedly trust.
Positive action my dears has the potential of breaking down negative obstacles when you take that brave step forward to bring in the changes that benefit all. The more you give of yourself, the more care and love you share, the more compassion you have for you and you will automatically reciprocate that compassion to others and demonstrate a pure happiness that comes forth from within where peace has settled and left you feeling calm. Understand my dears, when you demonstrate your personal strength you speak volumes of your fearless energy and you create within you the ability to recognize and observe much more carefully what it is you wish to achieve.
It makes no difference my dears what your spiritual preferences are, compassion for yourself and the compassion you share with others comes from a place that is deep within you, it comes from your heart - it is within you to give not to hoard for yourself. Being kind and compassionate coming from a man or a woman is never a sign of weakness it is a foundation that supports your inner strength, through the energy that is pure coming from your heart, you are able to progress through this life stream and achieve fulfillment that you have aspired to. By choosing a compassionate and happy approach to your current life stream you have also chosen a path that will lead you to your enlightenment. A compassionate life leads to a happy life and a happy life is the ultimate goal that all people value. Selfish thinking and actions do not promote true happiness, as the actions of a selfish person are not fuelled by love and compassion.
My dears before you can truly cultivate your great compassion and pure love into all your actions, daily and personal life it is vital that you clearly understand what it means to be compassionate, what it means to be kind and loving. The more you understand the fundamental core meaning of these positive attributes, the more inspired you will be to bring these attributes into positive actions that will be demonstrated and illustrated in everything you do. The more positive thoughts and feelings you have the more you will recognize the power of hope, inner courage, and determination that gives positively influences your inner strength. When you are truly coming from a pure heart that is filled with kindness and compassion, you sincerely wish any person that crosses your path to be free of any kind suffering and to live a life that is happy and serene.
My dears, your positive thought forms, your positive attitude can always be heightened by reducing any lingering negative thoughts and attitudes. Every moment you have that is of pure consciousness also is dependent upon many elements and when you bring change to these fundamental elements, your mind also changes. It is true my dears all changes you want to see happen is simply all within your thinking mind and understanding its nature.
Of course your mind gives you the appearance of being stubborn and will resist change, but the more you persevere with your ministrations to bring great and positive changes into your current life stream that affect others just as positively then your mind is bound to change and become more open and flexible. It requires you my dears to truly realize the need to change and to be willing to go through all the necessary steps and stages that promote positive change through the actions and effort of your compassionate heart. Understand my dears; simple wishing and praying by itself will not bring the transformation you are seeking to attain. You must define your reasons, why is it you wish to change, what are you hoping to achieve, find your purpose through your answers that are always discovered when you take this time to go within yourself. All the knowledge you need for your inner growth and development along this spiritual path that also affects all other areas in your life is always found within you, never from external sources. External sources may help you remember the knowledge that is already stored within you, but it does not give you any new information. Get in touch with your inner self, listen to what it is telling you and use this information for the betterment of your own current life stream that will also compel you to share this information through your actions as compassion and love that is always unconditional. Never want for anything in return for helping a fellow brother or sister. All your rewards will be given to you through the God you pray and wish to and your heart will soar and feed your inner strength to even greater heights of good character that shines with love, kindness, and happiness.
Try to comprehend my dears, that any action that demonstrates self-centeredness does not promote love or compassion for others, it only promotes love for yourself and even that love is mixed with negative thoughts, emotions and actions. For you to truly achieve happiness, create a calm atmosphere within that mind of yours. Treat yourself compassionately and with love. Don't be shy about showing others that you also have a good attitude and you like to be nice to others. At first it does require constant effort to develop a good attitude that is filled with kindness and love for all peoples including the Self, but the transformation that follows is definitely worth the effort that was applied.
Ultimately my dears, how people look, regardless if they are beautiful or plain, no matter if they are sociable or mean they are all human and they all have feelings just like you. Even if they appear to express no feeling or emotion, they too have feelings. Happiness is one thing everyone is seeking and every person, including you has the right to overcome their burdens, their obstacles and to begin taking the necessary steps that will put them on the path that will increase happiness, joy and peace into their lives. When you take the conscious effort to change how you think, empathetic feelings are felt towards others that may have been covered up before and you bridge the gap between people regardless of culture. You do have the power within you my dears to become more selfless, more loving and compassionate; you must make the choice to live a life filled with love and compassion or one that is filled negativity and misery.
Patience and time is on your side, through patience and time you have all you need to develop your compassion and the more love you share from your heart the greater energy you will emit and this energy my loves will be felt on a universal level. Understanding that the compassion and love you are sharing onto others willingly is created by your constant care and effort you also realize the importance of recognizing promising situations that are created out of your own favourable qualities that speak of kindness and use your findings to help break down any obstacles that have been preventing you from succeeding your goal of attaining happiness, peace of mind through the love and compassion you have shared with yourself and with others selflessly.
To act compassionately and loving towards another does not mean you are religious or spiritual it does demonstrate purity of heart, mind, soul and of course body working together as one. Genuine compassion and love is something every person deserves. The external differences of another person are not what is important, what is important is that you are able to identify the need for love and compassion and how to bring this about through your own actions that are clear demonstrations of your inner strength that has been fueled by the powerful energy found deep within your heart.
The compassionate path is also the path that includes sharing respect to all your fellow brothers and sisters - to become one universal and collective family, united by a feeling of belonging through acceptance that underneath all the superficial exteriors, there beats a heart, there are feelings and emotions just like yours. Through your efforts to bring positive change into your current life stream you are also emitting positive energy and vibrations that will be felt on a universal level. Aspire to inspire yourself and through your positive actions become the anchor for another along the path of compassion and love.
Namaste
Shiva, the Hindu God through Julie Miller
Noble Byron subsequent to held, "Tenderness without passion is matter-of-fact and passion without love is awful."
From Lee's (1973; 1988) six love styles to Sternberg's (1986) triangular theory of love, passion has been consistently celebrated as an important part of romantic relationships.
For event, Sternberg (1986) artfully weaves the idea of passion into his triangular theory of love. Clearly, the theory states that love can consist of three components: devoutness, ease, and passion. He goes on to explain that types of love are shaped by combining these three elements in substitute ways. For example, love that involves ease without devoutness or passion is called liking/ friendship love. On the another bestow, an individual who feels passion and devoutness, but no ease is experiencing fatuous love. In the end, these three elements of love can be multiple to carry 8 substitute love types.
Reach Sternberg (1986), Lee (1973; 1988) discusses passion in the drawing of his six love styles as well. The style that is inclusive with passion is certain as eros. It's properly sensual and sometimes fantasy-like. Make somewhere your home with an eros love style weigh up in love-at-first-sight, lack ease, are very kind, and communicate openly. Couples with this love style, according to Lee, are ablaze up with uncontrollable feelings for one diverse. As we all get it, passion plays an important role in relationships. In fact, research has revealed that for married women, as ardent love in their relationship increases, their level of married happiness extremely increases (Aron & Henkemeyer, 1995). In more, the reciprocation of ardent love for both men and women is similar to apprehension and feelings of charm (Hatfield ">In the mid 1980s, Elaine Hatfield and Susan Sprecher experienced an intermediary certain as the Inclement Tenderness Assess, which continues to be much used today to charge the passion thermometer in relationships. YOU can punch this survey to find out how ardent your love is.
References:
* Aron, A., ">Journal of Outgoing and Customary Relationships, 12, 139-146.
* Hatfield, E., ">Journal of Youth, 9, 383-410.
* Lee, J. A. (1973). The ensign of love. Don Mills, Ontario: New Bag.
* Lee, J. A. (1988). Tenderness styles. In R. J. Sternberg ">The psychology of love (pp. 38-67). New Refuge, CT: Yale Seminary Bag.
* Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Judge, 93, 119-135.
More resources:
* Universe Anger More Inclement
* Let Anger Gather round Event
Click Here to punch diverse one of my "monday genesis surveys."
