Collage107

Collage 107 H u m o u r N e t 3 AUG 95Okay, I squeezed out one more Collage for the day. Thanks go toAlix for the "Declaration of Independence" piece, and thanks aredue to the ever-prolific Lorraine for the "Strange Sex Laws"(the compilation, not the laws, themselves).These two are well worth the extra reading time... enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": Declaration of Independence--Response to ProposalThe Court of King George IIILondon, EnglandJuly 10, 1776Mr. Thomas Jeffersonc/o The Continental CongressPhiladelphia, PennsylvaniaDear Mr. Jefferson:We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of yourstatements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declarationas a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals tothe Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and vitas of the principal investigators.9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration ofIndependence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our duedate for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with originalsignatures will be required.Sincerely,Management Analyst to the British Crown
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SUBJ: Strange Sex LawsIn Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love whilehunting or fishing on your wedding day.No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If hiswife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn'tallowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bedwith you.[Editor's Note: (2 May 96) Apparently, this law has long sincebeen replaced by "Couples should finish all drinks before goingto bed." Many thanks to Jeff in Des Moines for the update. ]Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity betweenmembers of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home aftersundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you'resafe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required tohave twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feetapart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it'sillegal to make love on the floor between the beds!The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required toprovide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor maythey have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, whitecotton nightshirts.An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples fromhaving sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be calledmaster, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.(There was a civil-service job--for men only--called a corset inspector.)[Editor's Note: If anyone has information on how to apply for thisjob, please forward it to HumorNet@bgu.edu... ]However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearingcorsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous,unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to thenormal, red-blooded American male."It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Policficers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Anysuspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive upfrom behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately twominutes before getting out of his car to investigate.Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance ona table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds,two ounces of clothing.Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying theirlustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally soundswhile they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face ajail term.In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in aparked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as thecar or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
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